If you have followed my other blog in the past, you know that I have always struggled with anxiety. In high school it began as perfectionism, but it blossomed into full on anxiety as I got older and real life adult problems became more than just a perfectionist could fix with hard work and determination. For many years I dulled that anxiety with alcohol, but when I realized that alcohol was becoming a problem and was not a solution, I had to come up with a plan B. For a while that meant, what I lovingly referred to as, "happy pills".
I hated every minute of being on them. I felt like a failure for having to resort to them, so I came up with a plan C. Therapy. I'm very open to the fact that I was a dedicated customer of my therapist, Frank for over a year. I owe a lot to Frank. He gave me a ton of strategies and a lot of inner strength. With his help I was able to become medication free and learned strategies like meditation and mindfulness to help with my anxiety. It still gets to be a lot for me some days and at some times - pandemics notwithstanding. But I'm able to manage and recognize my anxiety enough now that I can actually poke a little fun at it and myself.
For example, the other morning as I headed out to do chores I thought to myself, I bet there are people who raise animals and don't head out to do chores running through a vast array of worst case scenarios the entire time. Heading out to the barn goes like this for me. Caution: If you keep reading you will hear the inner workings of my mind...
Putting on my muck boots "What if there is a spider in here, gross or omg - thank goodness it isn't a snake. It couldn't be a snake, right?" *looks inside boot to be sure* Puts on coat. "Why is it still so chilly in the mornings? What if it never warms up? The grass won't grow, the hay won't grow. Cripes hay is already so expensive. If we have to buy more hay we will have to sell someone." *starts mentally trying to decide which horse will hurt the least to sell and can't figure it out.*
Arriving at the door of the barn. "What if I get in there and Cher coliced and died?"
Opens the barn door. Doesn't see Boogie. "Omg -Cher killed him. She stepped on him. He bled out. He's dead." Arrives at the stall to find them both standing and waiting. "Oh thank goodness. Good girl, Cher."
Dogs run around my feet. All 4 cats show up. "Where is Robin (the 5th cat)? I'm sure she's road kill or ran away. Ugh- how am I going to tell Sophie?"
Starts feeding. "Does this hay smell funny? I don't think it does, but maybe. What is that weed in there? Is that a weed? What if it is a toxic weed? Melissa - calm down. This is like the 300th bale from this crop that you have fed, I'm sure it's your imagination. God - hay is so expensive. Where am I going to find hay this year? I hope there is hay. What if I can't afford to buy hay and I have to sell one of the ponies and it ends up in a kill pen? That would be the worst because I wouldn't be able to buy him or her back even."
Feeds hay. "Why isn't he eating right away? Does he look sick? Why won't he come over? Is she chewing funny? I wonder if she needs her teeth done. She probably has a sharp point. Ugh she's eating so fast and if she has points she is going to choke to death. Gosh, slow down - you're going to rip the hay bag and those things aren't free. You guys are so hard on nets. OMG - was that a limp? Did she just limp? I think she limped. Maybe off in the right front? She probably pulled a tendon. Is she swollen, that fetlock might be swollen. Or wait, I think it was a clump of dirt. I think she tripped over that clump of dirt. Maybe I should pull her out and try her on the lungeline."
Feeds chickens. They ignore the feed and run off to parts unknown. "The feed must be tainted. It smells fine. Heck - it's a brand new bag. What if they ate tainted feed?! They will all die. At least the chick feed is different I guess. I hate the thought of starting over. Oh poor Smokey and Rosie. I don't want to lose my hens. Maybe I should go buy more feed."
Goes to feed in the other pasture. "I don't think she is letting Pepper eat. She's running away. Is she getting enough? Should I make another pile? Maybe I should move her with the other mares, but then Cher will chase her. Will she run through the fence? I think she looks ribby. Does she look ribby? What if she's not eating like China stopped eating. OMG - she coughed. It's heaves or maybe a virus. God, what if they all get it? China really will give up on life. I should call the vet."
Starts heading back to the house after chores. "Did I forget someone? Or something? Did I feed everyone? Is the water tank on? You didn't even start the water tank. Should I bring them in off grass in 3 hours or 4? Would an extra hour founder the little ones? I'm going to founder them and they will never be the same. Gosh I hate founder. Or they will colic from too much green grass. Or choke. Maybe they will eat it too fast and choke. That'd be my kind of luck. Does it look like rain? Maybe I shouldn't put Cher and Boogie out. He will catch a cold and die. He might roll under the fence and get trampled by China. I wish I could just keep him in a padded stall forever. Of course they will go through a lot of hay and hay is so darn expensive. Ugh."
By the time I arrive back at the house, Tim meets me. "How's everyone today?"
Me, thinking to myself, "Why? Did you see something? Hear something? Do you know something I don't know?" But what I respond out loud, "Fine."
It's a good thing that the relaxation and joy the animals bring me far outweighs the mental anguish I put myself through, because everyday it is a battle of telling myself to stop panicking and stop worrying. But on the upside, when things are truly fine, that overwhelming feeling of relief really starts the day off great!
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