Years ago I started writing a book. I envisioned said book as a "coffee table" type book. The kind of book that has big colorful prints/artwork and shiny, glossy pages, but not a lot of content. The kind of book that you would give as a gag gift to a chicken loving family member. Something they could read for fun, very little accurate information and instead, just have a chuckle. Somewhere along the line it got put on the back burner. I've thought of it from time to time, but haven't pulled it out.
Just a couple days ago I was going through an old email accounts' drive for something and discovered my old rough draft. I was chuckling so over several of the entries that I just HAVE to share them again. If some of you have been reading my blogs since way back in the Easy Money Ranch blog days, then this is old news. However, it still may be worth a chuckle, and don't we all need those these days?
The format of the book is that I take colloquialisms (fancy word for the things my grandma used to say that have stuck with me) and compare them to actual coop observations of chickens, geese, ducks, etc... I thought I was pretty hilarious at the time. It may have lost something in the aging, but I still chuckled a little so enjoy a few excerpts from my "never was a hit and still isn't finished" book: Chicken Sh*t and Other Fowl Language.
Disclaimer: This book is in no way meant to be factual text to be used for research purposes. Let’s get real here folks, if you are using a book with the title Chicken Sh*t and Other Fowl Language for research purposes, you should have your head examined. Enjoy!
Phrase: Chicken
Common Usage: The phrase “chicken” is used to describe someone who is too frightened to try something. Perhaps it is dangerous, new or just a silly fear that prevents them from venturing out. Of course some people have chosen to add the word "shit" to the end of the slur, changing the phrase to "chicken shit". I am unclear as to the reasoning behind that though as I have never observed chicken shit to be particularly frightened of anything.
Coop observation: This phrase could not be more accurate. When turning new chickens loose to range around the farm, it can take days before they work up the courage to venture out of the coop. When a group of young chickens was moved to a new coop, they would hide under the nesting box whenever someone was near. I actually made the comment one morning, “You guys are a bunch of chickens!” To say I felt foolish after would be putting it mildly.
Phrase: Mother hen
Common Language: We have all had a mother hen or two in our life experiences. This woman is the kind of personality who just has the innate ability to bring people, young and old, under the safety of her “feathers” and share her wealth of knowledge, whether you want it or not. She’s usually a fierce protector and people quickly learn not to mess with her when she’s mothering. Mother hen personalities are sweet, kind, caring and not at all to be messed with. They worry about everyone else before themselves and their “kids” are many.
Coop observation: A mother hen with her baby chicks is a joy to watch. She will vocalize in many different ways to guide her little rolling marbles to the best food, the freshest water and away from all dangers, real or imagined. Do not even think of messing with her babies. She will protect them to the death and despite her small size, it just may very well be yours if she has anything to say about that.
Phrase: Pecking order
Common Usage: This term is used when introducing new animals (be it human or other) to an established group. There tends to be a period of time where the boss animals feel the need to put the meeker animals “in their place” through bullying. After this period of adjustment the group can carry on as each of them has established their ranking within the group. For some reason the animal doing the majority of the pecking is usually the large, ugly one.
Coop observation: When you add new chickens to your flock you see the pecking order in action. The higher ranking and more aggressive chickens, roosters and hens alike, will chase after the new arrivals pecking them and bullying them. It usually only takes a short amount of time before the order of superiority is established and peace is restored in the coop.
Phrase: Banty rooster
Common Usage: Many times this phrase is used to describe someone, usually a height challenged male, who feels the need to strut around, puffing out their chest and acting bigger than they are. The term is used to describe some rather undesirable characteristics in a person such as bragging, picking fights and showing off.
Coop observation: Uh, yeah. This one is about as right on as a description gets. In a mixed coop of bantam size roosters and full sized roosters, the smaller “banty” roosters are by far the loudest and most obnoxious. Their defiant little crow proclaims, “I may be small, but I can crow louder than YOUOUOUOUOU!” They can often be seen strutting around the hens, fluffing their feathers to make themselves appear bigger and picking fights with the least aggressive of their larger counterparts. They aren't stupid - they know who they can attempt to bully.
Phrase: Picking on
Common Usage: I think every poor mother out in this world has heard the annoying whine of a child’s voice as it grates out the old adage, “Moooommmmm, he’s/she’s picking on me.” No phrase uttered in the human language has the power to set a mother’s nerves on fire like that one. As we all know from our younger days it is employed when one child pesters or annoys another child so therefore it is the second child’s God given right to pass the annoyance on to their mother.
Coop Observation:
This is similar to the pecking order in observation in that some chickens, will choose another chicken to pick at using their beaks. They will go to great lengths to pick at the weaker chicken, often chasing them and cornering them to get a good hard jab in at their fellow coopmate. At times one chicken will literally peck another chicken to death, which we all know is what children are trying to do to their mothers.
Phrase: Tough old bird
Common Usage: You usually hear this phrase to describe an elderly woman with a lot to say. Maybe this woman has been through a lot and just won’t quit, or quite possibly, and more likely, this woman has reached the age where she doesn’t censor what she says and doesn’t put up with any crap from anyone. I personally cannot wait until I reach this age.
Coop Observation: We had a tough old bird. This hen had been top hen for quite some time. She had been attacked by a predator and even went so far as to go missing for a few days. She came back with a few scratches, but just as tough as ever. Nothing could get that hen down and she didn’t put up with anything, because she was a “tough old bird.” The other theory behind this phrase is that when eaten, older chicken meat tends to be tough. But we won’t even go down that road.
Phrase: Picking the shit
Common Usage: Well, perhaps not so common anymore, but if you grew up hanging out with your old farmer grandfather you probably heard this one. This phrase is used to describe a group of folks hanging out together just chatting, here in the Midwest we would never gossip, about the goings on in town. Of course, again in the Midwest, this is done over coffee and some sort of baked goods. Preferably something cooked with lots of butter, sugar and whipped cream added on top. No, it isn’t low fat, and we don’t care.
Coop Observation: One of the things that I really love about my chickens is that they will pick through the piles of horse poo looking for leftover grain that didn’t get digested. This in turn breaks up and spreads out the poo so that it will dissolve back into the ground more quickly. Of course, while I understand the similarities in the phrases, I’m not quite sure what sharing some friendly news (not gossip) about Marge and the new custodian at the high school named Joe has to do with picking grain from poop.
Phrase: Chicken scratch
Common Usage: This phrase is used to describe the handwriting of someone that is sloppy, illegible and hard to read. Handwriting experts will say that this person probably has some deep inner secrets that they are hiding, or that they just wish to keep to themselves. I say hogwash. (Is that a phrase for a new book, hmmmm????) People with messy handwriting either didn’t care to learn to write decently in school or they just don’t care to write decently now.
Coop Observation: Chickens scratch at the ground as they are eating. This will leave behind a trail of crisscrossed lines in wet or damp ground. These lines are lovingly referred to as “chicken scratch”.
Phrase: Happy as a rooster in the hen house
Common Usage: This phrase is perfect for describing someone who is delighted about how things have turned out for them. They can be observed smiling goofily and acting giddy.
Coop Observation: Any time you allow a rooster to join his hens you will see very happy and giddy chicken behavior. They will often dance, crow, and proudly strut around to show their enjoyment at being allowed to “express themselves” with the ladies.
Phrase: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
Common Usage: We’ve all done it. Gotten excited about something that might happen and plan for it, hoping that it will happen, when actually it might never happen. Heck, I’ve got the lottery spent for when I win it and I don’t even get any tickets.
Coop Observation: Chickens lay dozens of eggs every year, but for many reasons beyond their (and our own) control, not all of those eggs will hatch and grow into chickens. For that reason, it is not a wise thing to count each egg as a chicken before they have hatched. Sadly we have learned this lesson too many times, especially with trying our hand at incubating eggs ourselves. Just this summer I put 48 eggs in the incubator, only managed to hatch 15. After a bout with a predator and sharing with friends, I ended up with only 2 hens from those 48 eggs. That’s what I get for counting my chickens before they hatched.
Phrase: Chicken butt
Common Language: This phrase has a variety of uses. Many times it is added to the more common phrase “chicken”. Perhaps to make it more humorous. It has also been known to be used as a reply to the question, “Guess what?” to which the reply would be “Chicken Butt”. (For additional fun, when a person asks, “Guess why?” be sure to respond, “chicken thigh”.) My very favorite use of the phrase though would have to be when someone asks, “What’s up?” This is the time to use the phrase, “A chicken’s butt when it’s eating.” I promise you it will leave them speechless.
Coop observation: Stating the obvious; when a chicken bends over to eat grain or insects off the ground, due to the fact that their legs are centered under their body, when one end goes down, the other end comes up.
Phrase: Dumb cluck
Common Usage: This phrase can be used as a substitute for stupid. A very effective substitute because usually when using this phrase the person will be too stupid to realize you just called them stupid.
Coop Observation: Sometimes a hen will lay an egg and begin setting. This hen will not lay any more eggs and you have to remove the eggs or they quit laying altogether. In other situations where the eggs are unfertilized and the hen lays an egg only to stop laying and "nest", they are considered clucks. The dumb part comes in because the eggs would rot and never hatch. We have guinea hens and no guinea roosters. They will lay 50 eggs in a hidden nest and sit on them for 30 plus days, never to hatch a single one of those unfertilized eggs. They are the dumbest of dumb clucks as they do it so many times each summer. Brings to mind another famous southern phrase “bless their hearts”.
Phrase: Sly as a Fox
Common Usage: I know what you are thinking. This is a phrase about poultry and fowl phrases. Why is there a fox phrase? Time will out, hang in there. As many of us realize, this phrase is used to describe someone who is clever in their thinking and planning. They can be down right sneaky and conniving at times with their diabolical thought processes.
Coop Observation: Here is where you find out how the phrase fits into a book on chicken phrases. Our first year of raising chickens was a lesson in the predators that will take and kill your chickens. We quickly learned what each predator will leave behind for carnage and which will leave no carnage. We learned which we could trap and those we couldn’t. The fox has proven to be the most intelligent of all predators and has made it obvious that they are going to be impossible to catch. We have had to go to great lengths to protect our flock from the sly old fox.
Phrase: Shit like a goose
Common Usage: If you have ever had the stomach flu, you can relate to this one. This phrase describes a less than pleasant bodily experience that tends to leave one feeling a little weak in the knees. I think most of you can use your imagination and figure this one out.
Coop Observation: Well folks, this might come as a surprise to some, but goose poop is runny. Therefore very similar to the bodily function problem that having the flu can cause. Hey, maybe that is where the phrase “loose as a goose” comes from, too. Something to think about.
Phrase:Duck
Common Usage: Usually yelled at someone moment’s before they manage to smash their head into an object. While yelled with good intentions, it usually causes more momentary confusion to aid in the person being nearly decapitated than a true warning.
Coop Observation: I love to watch the ducks interacting with each other. They dip their heads at each other, almost as if they were using these movements as a form of body language. Most likely the phrase is meant to warn people to dip their heads like a duck instead of turning to the speaker and going, “What?” as they are smucked upside the head.
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