I'm seeing it again....it's a meme that says something about how if you are married, you don't get divorced, you sit down and figure it out. I feel like once one person shares this image, it goes rampant across social media before it dies out again. I get the idea behind it - don't get me wrong. It's supposed to be this motivational quote about how you shouldn't give up on your marriage. It's supposed to inspire people to fight for their marriage. The problem is - what it actually says is that quitting (divorce) is the "easy way to cope". The problem is it acts like divorce is easy and people who get divorced are looking for the easy way out. The problem IS, it is wrong.
No one who gets divorced thinks it is easy. Well, not anyone with half a brain cell that is. Anyone who has been through divorce has not done so quickly or lightly. There are weeks, months, heck - sometimes years that go into the process of deciding that the only option for you and your family is dissolving your marriage. People don't give up on marriages quickly because you have so much to lose throughout the divorce and I'm not just talking about money.
Yes, financially divorce sucks. I always hope and pray that when my friends or acquaintances get divorced they are some of those lucky couples who can agree on what each will take with them when they go their separate ways and there will be no need for lawyers. Heck, in my divorce I thought we had sat down and divided things out and then a year later we were still arguing about NOTHING with mediators and lawyers.
Even in the best of situations, there will be some legal costs involved and there is no two ways about the fact that you will be going to one income and half as much stuff. Looking back, there are some material things that I will forever miss from my marriage. Things that my ex took or demanded that I was attached to emotionally. Things I had hoped to pass down to the girls or just things I enjoyed. They are gone and a person has to be okay with losing their "things" when they get divorced. Heck I went from having a virtually new pickup to driving a 10 year old minivan with transmission issues. But I gave up things I wanted so that the girls could keep their ponies, their trailer, etc... We lost our farm and many of the things that we took for granted; like a barn and stalls. My credit score tanked and I had no way to get a credit card or loan to improve my score. My ex went after everything, including my health savings accounts and retirement. MY RETIREMENT that I had earned because I hadn't changed jobs every two years. Others lose a lot more than I did. Financially - divorce sucks.
Emotionally divorce sucks. Maybe something people don't realize is that when you get divorced, plan on losing many of your friends. For whatever reason, many people feel they need to pick sides. I wouldn't say you lose half your friends, but there are definitely some friendships that are damaged or lost. I can't speak from experience on an amicable divorce. That may be easier. In a hostile divorce, be prepared to lose even more friendships.
Losing friendships may be the half of it when some of those friends were family. When you are married, your families become intertwined. You share god children and nieces and nephews. Their parents become like your parents. The longer you are married, the harder it is to lose half of your family. If it is true that friends feel they must choose sides, I can guarantee that families will feel that pull to choose their blood relative and turn their back on the in law. When you have come to view their family as your family, that loss can create a huge hole in your heart.
What's worse than losing the friends is the loss of your reputation. Again - this may be easier in a larger area, but in small town U.S.A. - the lengths that one party will go to in order to destroy the reputation of the other can be overwhelming at times. Especially when you've gone to great lengths to foster a positive reputation prior to the divorce. Everyone will advise you to take the high road, as you should. But the emotional toll that turning the other cheek can take... well sucks just about sums that up. My ex tried to get me fired and spread some wild stories about me to anyone who would listen. Everyone preached to be patient and trust that those who knew me would prevail. They were right of course. At the time however.... emotionally - divorce sucks.
Mentally divorce sucks. (I actually looked up the difference between mentally and emotionally - I think I'm on the right track.) Marriage allows you to have someone help you with making decisions. Some people even allow their spouse to make all the decisions. When that security blanket its removed, it can be difficult to move forward making decisions about everything about from what is for dinner to how to do your taxes. Not having that person to be your sounding board can really be difficult, especially if you're the kind of person who struggles with decision making. I know I struggled when asked to make a decision. I would look around to find someone to help make that decision before realizing that person was now me. You are also fully responsible for those decisions - no one to blame but yourself. Make good choices. Mentally divorce sucks.
Divorce isn't easy. It isn't the easy way out of a bad relationship. However, for many many people it is the saving grace behind their lives, their emotional well being AND the emotional well being of their children. People will tell you to stay together for the children. I heard it myself. I'm so relieved that I didn't listen. I can't imagine if my girls had grown up thinking that my ex's and my toxic relationship was the way a marriage should look. I can't imagine my girls thinking it was okay for their future husbands to act the way their dad did. I can't imagine them thinking it is okay to be treated the way I was treated. Healthy relationships teach children what a healthy relationship looks like.
Divorce was really really hard. It was also one of the best things I ever did for myself, my kids and our future. It was not a decision I came to quickly or easily but my only regret was not making the decision earlier.
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