Over the years since my divorce and then the subsequent failed relationship with a narcissist, I've had the opportunity to visit with many people about my exes. As anyone who knows me realizes, I am not a shy person when it comes to sharing my story. I always say "It's my story. If people want me to say good things about them, they should have behaved better". The number of people who know my story (which is also my girls' story, as our stories are intertwined) is few and the number of people who know the whole story is fewer still. But there are enough people that know enough of the story that I'm always surprised when people say "I've met your ex, he's a nice guy."
I never once have asked people to pick sides. I get that my ex, yes both of them, can be nice guys. Obviously I wasn't out looking for someone to make me feel small, unimportant or terrible when I met them. I wasn't looking for a sociopath. They have their moments and if they are trying to impress you (like at the beginning), they can be down right charming. But you know who else was charming? Adolf Hitler.
I know, wild comparison. But think about it. Obviously Adolf Hitler wasn't terrible to everyone he met. Hundreds of thousands of people thought he was pretty great. He charmed and impressed them. His speeches rallied people to his cause enough that the left behind their moral upbringings and created atrocities in his name. Looking back at him historically, and knowing what we know, I think we can all agree that he was a pretty horrible excuse for a human being no matter how charming he seemed at the time.
I'm going to tell you right now that using my barometer for what qualifies as a good human being, neither of my exes qualifies. Knowing what they have put me, my family, my children and their own parents and families through over the years, they rank up there with the list of other horrible human beings that I can think of. But I don't expect you to agree or even think that. I don't expect or want you to tell them off, tell them you think they are terrible or even give them the cold shoulder. What do I expect?
When someone tells you that their ex has mistreated them, don't disagree. Don't stick up for the ex. Don't make that friend/coworker/acquaintance feel any worse than they already do. If you can't agree because you don't have enough information, then just be sympathetic. Say "I'm sorry you're feeling that way or going through that." But saying, "Gee, I've met him and he's always been a nice guy to me" only furthers to tear down someone who has more than likely been torn down day after day after day until they got the courage to step out on their own. Being a survivor of some horror stories, I can tell you that these types of comments make a person question their already fragile core. "Why did they choose ME to hurt? What's wrong with ME that they hurt me but are nice to others? Why doesn't anyone believe me?" It makes that person feel smaller and alone. You've made this horrible experience that they were brave enough to share with you about yourself. You've stolen another piece of them.
Stop and think a second. Of course he (or she) is a "nice guy" to you. They still have something you want. People like this crave approval. They also want you on "their side". Many of them work very hard at painting their prior significant others as the crazy exes. Don't help them. I can tell you that even if I tried to sit down and tell you the trauma that my loved ones and I faced, we wouldn't remember every story or every instance. We don't want to remember, we don't want to relive. There comes a point where telling your story stops being healing and just becomes reliving. So next time, don't ask me to prove it. Just sympathize and let's move on. I'm sure he is a nice guy to you. That's good. I wouldn't wish the other side of him on anyone.
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