I think I need to say it louder for the people in the back because it just isn't getting through. Remember a few years ago when the Me Too movement took off? When everyone was talking about sexual abuse, trauma, violence and sharing that it had happened to them too? Apparently some folks missed it or didn't believe it or ????? Let me explain.
The other day at work Sophie and I were talking to a coworker about a new girlfriend. He tells us that he may need to move on from the relationship because she had been sexually abused and he didn't think he could handle that. I was shocked, I asked why not? He explained that she would just have so much trauma. He didn't think he could help or be there for that, it was just too much. My response was, "good *&%#@ luck finding a woman who hasn't been sexually abused." He kind of just looked at me in disbelief.
I responded, "you do realize that virtually every woman in our society has been the victim of some form of sexual abuse, right? I know I have been."
Sophie piped up, "me too."
If we could have polled every woman in the room, what percentage do you think could have shared that they too have experienced sexual assault? My guess... 90% or even more. How do people not know this? Because we don't talk about it. Why don't we talk about it? Because people don't believe us or they victim blame.
You know what's worse? Some women don't even realize they have been sexually assaulted because our culture writes it off as just the way things are. If you've been pressured into sex when you didn't want to or made to feel like you owed it to the man, you've been sexually assaulted. If you've been forced to do acts during consensual sex that you didn't want to do, you've been sexually assaulted. If you're MARRIED and your husband forced himself on you because you're "supposed" to put out for your husband, you've been sexually assaulted. If you've been groped or touched where you didn't want to be, you've been sexually assaulted. If you've been kissed when you didn't want to be, you've been sexually assaulted. Folks, it isn't just "boys being boys" and no - women shouldn't be flattered by the attention. That kind of thinking isn't just wrong, its... its... its gross, that's what it is.
Where are you right now? Are you in a room/office/building full of women? Look around you? Do they look like they are asking to be sexually abused or targeted for sexual abuse? No. (The answer is always no.) No matter what they are wearing, no matter how old they are, no matter what they are saying, drinking, or doing..... the answer is no. Maybe when you looked around you, you saw your daughters, your wife, your mother, your sister... do they look like they are "asking for it"? Can you honestly say that no matter what they are doing, wearing or saying, they are "asking for it"? I hope that you are a good enough person to know that no woman, no matter what, is ever asking to have her right to choose taken away by force. Ever.
We teach our daughters everything we can think of to keep them safe from sexual predators. Hold your keys between your fingers to make a weapon, kick them in the groin or poke them in the eye, never walk alone, never take a drink from a stranger or set your drink down, carry a whistle, carry mace, trust your gut, etc... But the truth is, the sexual trauma they experience will most likely be from a boyfriend, date, or family member; someone they know and think they can trust. I wish we lived in a society where this wasn't true, but it is. We spend years teaching our girls how to be safe from sexual assault but I wish we could teach men not to assault women instead.
So yeah, this woman my friend met is going to have some trauma, so is almost every woman he meets. To say that I'm "over" my trauma would be making light of something awful that happened and probably isn't true. I do know that I'm doing better with it. I'm able to talk about it with people that I trust. I'm not ashamed of it. I accept that it wasn't my fault and wasn't okay. That took therapy and my therapist Frank drilling it into my head though. It isn't something most women are able to just "get over" easily. One thing that will help is if we as a society stop being shocked when women say "me too" and instead start saying "no more".
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