I follow a mindfulness page full of activities that I can use with my students to help them manage their anxiety and practice gratitude. Her New Year's post this morning (a little late but thinking about these things takes times too) was her reflections on last year. She said that every year she reflects on the year by remembering three great things and three struggles. At first I thought to myself that would be easy, but as I sat and thought about it... it was harder than I seemed. So in my semi rational brain I decided, if it isn't easy, it just might be worth doing.
When counting my struggles and my blessings, I always like to start with my struggles. That way when I finish the thought process I get to finish with the positives. Somewhere someone once told me that what you leave someone with in a conversation (positive or negative) is what they will take away from the conversation. And isn't a blog or journal just a conversation with yourself? (And maybe the few followers you have.) So as hard as it is to think about, I'm starting with the negative.
One of the hardest struggles I faced this year was hustling for self worth. I had friendships that turned out not to be the kind that build you up, but the kind that chip away at your self worth as you struggle to fit in, find your place or be a different person to make them like you. It was painful, it hurt and it still hurts today. But I'm trying to let go of those friendships or what I wanted those friendships to be and surround myself with new people, new friends, new relationships that are positive and people who do want the best for me. You'd think I would have learned this lesson by the time I'm my age, but.... some lessons are harder than others I guess.
Call it mid-life crisis or something, but I have been thinking that maybe my time as a teacher is drawing to a close. I've struggled with this for over a year, but there were definitely times the past few months where it was more at the front of my thoughts than in the back of my mind. Teaching just keeps getting harder and the days where I feel like I'm helping students love learning feel fewer and farther apart. I said from the first day I stepped into the classroom that when I'm not an effective teacher I would find something else to do. I love my job, I love my co workers and my administration and.... I've always said I bleed Falcon black, silver and teal. I'm not looking to teach anywhere else, but maybe I'm not looking to teach anywhere?
This leads me to my third, and possibly largest, struggle for 2022. I have had some time to think and look back and it becomes more and more apparent that I am still struggling with some social anxiety and retreating into my home. I would rather spend every single day within the perimeters of our 10 acres, than out dealing with people in an office, store, building, or gathering. I cannot tell you the number of times I have thought over the past year how much I would enjoy working from home, something that seemed a remote opportunity a few years ago, but since 2020 and Covid, seems like an actual possibility. In my perfect world, I would shop from home, work from home and spend all day having the chance to walk out and pet my ponies at any moment of any day. Sometimes the ugliness of our world pushes me down, crushes me like the weight of the world the legendary Atlas shouldered. It is a real struggle to remind myself that hiding from the world may keep the ugliness at bay, but it also keeps out the good people, the laughter, the fun and the joy.
With those burdens laid down, I have to reflect back on the positive moments that blessed my year. You may think from the earlier paragraphs that this list would be short and simple. But the truth is that my positive moments are as plentiful and complicated as the struggles. I have had an amazing year full of truly wonderful people. I could list each of them as one of my positives; my amazing husband Tim, my beautiful children and how proud I am of them, my new friends and old acquaintances made new, my coworkers, our neighbors, our extended families... each and every one of them has been a blessing in 2022. But I want to choose 3 very important moments.
First is the 2022 Congress. Elsie and I had our share of struggles that week for sure - let's not even talk about showmanship... but one of my happiest moments of 2022 was going in for the 45 and Over English equitation pattern. I had worried myself sick about my first ever hand gallop. I had practiced and practiced and never felt like I got it right. But that day, Elsie did everything I asked, when I asked and I left that arena knowing that I couldn't have done it better. That's something I don't think some folks understand about horse showing. It didn't matter what the judges thought, no matter how anyone else in the class did, I cried happy tears because I had done my best. The icing on the cake was winning the class later, but the cherry on top was checking score sheets to see that I go the highest score I could have ever imagined getting on a score sheet in my life; a 97. For someone who struggles with feeling inadequate when it comes to all things equestrian - that score was like a huge shot of confidence.
Another one of my happiest moments was watching my heart horse, China, give birth to her first foal. I can still remember every moment of that birth, even down to the dramatic moments when China acted like the quick and easy childbirth was going to be the death of her. In true China fashion, she had to make it a big deal. But the best moment was when Tim, who was in the stall with the foal checked and said we had finally gotten our first Berry Sweet filly and she was China's. That little filly has grown into a beautiful yearling carbon copy of her momma and is just as wicked smart and loving as her momma too. (And maybe a little bit of the dramatic too...) Sundae is one of my happiest blessings from 2022.
Lastly, though it still hurts, finding Elsie the perfect home has been one of my biggest blessings of 2022. She has a beautiful stall, pasture and family that love her as much as I did. She has an adorable young lady who I know will treasure every ride. She has one of the best trainers in the area to help her achieve greatness and someday I will get to say I was a small part of her journey to being famous in POA. While I miss her, I'm thankful for every card, post on Facebook, Facebook message, you name it from her new family. It was not only heart warming to see her with her new girl, but also another shot of confidence when someone approached me, wanting to buy the pony I had trained. I don't take much credit for Elsie, she is one of those freakishly naturally talented ponies that just does things right, but I still feel proud of what we accomplished together.
Well, this reflection has rambled on for long enough. I know that many will not have made it this far, but for those of you who have... here's my "new message" as promised in the title. After reflecting on 2022, I hope to attack 2022 with a new outlook. I'm hoping to be able to appreciate people for who they are, not who I want them to be. I'm hoping to work on keeping myself out there, interacting with others and looking for the good in people. I'm hoping to appreciate myself for who I am and not trying to be someone I am not. Recently I shared a post on Facebook (seen below). Judging from the number of people who shared it on, I feel like I'm not alone. Let's work together in 2023! No more hustling for happiness here.
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