I know that most of the time these blog posts are horse related, but sometimes my blog posts are straight up about life lessons. This one did at least START at a horse show because we were sharing stories at a horse show a couple of weeks ago and this story about my ex came up. The story goes that someone had given me a check to pay for some show clothes that Sophie had outgrown. The next day we went to locate the check and I could not find it. I searched everywhere with my ex husband yelling at me the entire time. At one point he called me, "the dumbest smart person he ever met." I had to apologize and beg forgiveness when I asked the person to write me a new check. A good month later the ex was cleaning his wallet out and guess what he found. The check. The one I had supposedly lost. But don't worry - I didn't get an apology. Instead I got told it was my dumb fault for not remembering that I had given it to him. As I was telling the story, another horse show parent said, "weird that he's your ex" in a sarcastic tone and we all had a good laugh.
But it did get me thinking... there were so many red flags that I skipped over in both of my epic failures of relationships because I was so afraid to be alone. As I sit here middle aged... *ugh, how did that happen so fast*... I have learned a few things that I would like to share. I'm telling you what will work for you, but I will share what didn't work for me. I'm going to share some red flags NOT to ignore.
Red Flag #1: Wanting a "break" from your SO or enjoying when they are gone.
Now I'm not trying to say that you can't enjoy alone time or time out with your girlfriends or bros or whatever. Those are all good things and good for the soul too. HOWEVER, if you find yourself looking forward to your SO being gone because, "ugh - I just need a break from them" or "I wish they would just leave me alone for a couple of days" then that is a huge red flag.
I did not get that. I had so many friends that complained about their SO that I thought it was normal to want them gone. Heck - my ex husband was on the road for 2 weeks at a time and it was wonderful. Yeah, it sucked with me being a single parent working two jobs with two small children. But I did not mind the alone time at ALL. Huge red flag.
I can honestly tell you that I miss Tim when I'm not with him. Even if it's for a few hours. And I hate when he's gone for a couple days for work related stuff. I don't get sick of him and I always want to spend time with him. To me, that's a loving relationship.
Red Flag #2: Having different core values
I'm talking core values here; not "I'm a Packer fan and you like the Vikings". Core values like: racism, feeding the poor, basic religious principles, gender identities, etc... If you do not see eye to eye on these issues, be prepared to either be embarrassed or worst - disgusted and angered - by your partner at public events. It may seem like something you can overlook or "get over". Trust me, it is not. Your core beliefs and values make up who you are. If you are constantly having to stifle who you are or overlook who your partner is, it will eat away at you and you will lose respect for that person. No respect and the love fades away. Want to see what someone's core values are pretty quickly? Pay attention to the jokes they tell or the jokes they laugh at.
Red Flag #3: Expecting someone to "grow up" or "change".
People are who they are. Yes, I have changed a lot since I was 19. Yes, I have grown a lot since I was 19. Some people, however, do not. It is not something you can count on. It isn't also a given that people will "grow" in the direction you want them to. People can become more cynical, more bitter, more anxious (like me), less understanding... the list goes on and on. If you don't like someone enough today, the way they are RIGHT NOW, walk away. Don't expect them to change to fit you better.
Red Flag #4: Addictions
Any kind of an addiction is a huge red flag. Even if it seems harmless. Even if it seems like something that doesn't bother you that much. Example, they don't smoke around me so it's okay. They only drink to excess most weekends. They only chew when they are partying. They only play video games/gamble when they are bored. Addictions don't get better unless the person wants to quit. If your SO is addicted to something, if they aren't actively trying to quit, it will get worse. Don't even kid yourself on that one. It will get worse. Think about if you will still love that person when you can't afford it but they have to have that carton of cigarettes. Will you still love them when drinking on the weekends becomes drinking a six pack every night. Will you still love them when chewing at parties becomes chewing at parties and at home? I could go on....Addictions to me are a HUGE red flag. Walk away - no on second thought... RUN!
Red Flag #5: Financial Issues
Everyone can go through rough patches. But before you get too far into a committed relationship, have this tough discussion. If someone has regularly switched jobs or can't hold down a job, been living paycheck to paycheck (or not even), been in financial distress, can't get credit for a house or a car, etc.... HUGE RED FLAG. I'll never forget the questions my dad asked me when I started dating Tim. "Does he have a car? A job? A house?" Umm.. yeah, by the time he is 37 years old he should have had all of those things. (My ex's did not, lol. I told you I made some bad choices.) As a person whose credit was craptastic after my first marriage - I can tell you I can understand being in a rough spot. But a rough spot does not and should not equal a rough life. As can be said with anything, if every boss is "mean" and every job "wasn't the right fit", eventually you have to ask them "is it you?"
Red Flag #6: Priorities/goals
Your priorities need to have some similarities. If your partner's priorities are work and climbing the corporate ladder and yours is family time, your relationship is not going to work. You will end up bitter and resentful. You will hate that your goals and priorities pull you in opposite directions. This is a tough conversation to have, but one that needs to happen before you commit to a life together. I'm not saying you have ot have exactly the same goals, but you do need to support your significant other. Let me share a story from a few years ago.
For example: I was working with some older teenage boys and we were discussing a boy that was not supportive of horses and horse showing with Sophie. Said young man went from being a boyfriend to an ex boyfriend pretty quickly. I was explaining to this group of young men that it is important to be supportive of your significant other's hobbies and interests.
I gave this example:
"Say your girlfriend is into turtle racing. You should be at her races cheering her on. You should wear a turtle team t-shirt. Get a hat. Wave a pennant. Cheer loudly from the sidelines. BE there to support her. Even if you don't like turtles."
Then I asked, "so what did we learn?"
One young man answered, "I like turtles?"
Sigh - I don't think he gets it. Big red flag.
There are more red flags that I could list and explain but I"ll stop there for today. Basically if you find yourself making excuses for your SO, wishing they were gone, wishing they would change or in general - finding their flaws, you need to move on. It's not fair to them or yourself to try to make a relationship work when there is the right person out there for both of you. The biggest lesson is - don't ignore red flags.
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