Years ago when I was in therapy, the therapist had me work on reframing negative thoughts. For example, instead of saying, "this weather is so cold. I hate it." Think or say, "Brr.. it's cold out. It will feel so nice once it warms up and I can definitely use a day to stay in and watch a good movie." You can literally retrain the brain to default to the positive instead of the negative with this process. Full disclosure: I never got very good at it. I could definitely work on this more. It's explained a little more on this website: https://confidentcounselors.com/2018/03/19/reframe-negative-thoughts/
ANYWAY, recently on my car rides to and from work I've been reframing memories. This is NOT something I learned in therapy. In fact, Frank would probably frown on this little coping strategy I've created for myself. It is simply my way of dealing when the bad memories intrude. It is my way of dealing with them when they threaten to take over. So sorry, Frank but you can't stop me.
What do I mean by reframing memories? Well, I take a bad memory or traumatic event that happened with or because of my exes and imagine how it would have been different if Tim were there. I know that Tim would never have reacted or treated me the way my exes did. So this way, I can take a bad memory and make it better.
For example, I was married to Shannon (my ex husband) when my mom died. The day after she died we were getting together as family to discuss funeral plans. I asked Shannon if he was coming when I noticed he wasn't getting his stuff ready to join me. He snapped back at me that he had "shit to do" and couldn't sit around "moping with us all day". Now, normally I'm the queen of witty comebacks (in my head) but I was so dumbfounded and emotionally numb at that point that I just got in my truck and drove off to my sister's house. To this day I can remember every second of that exchange. I know where we were standing, the sun was shining and I can still hear his voice as he yelled at me, making me feel guilty that I needed my husband's support the day after I lost my mom. As a result of his lack of support, I probably made it through stronger than I could have imagined because I squashed all my feelings down and took on the role of the "get shit done" person. It wasn't until the day after the funeral that I literally crashed. I slept for hours. Hours and hours and hours. Once I let that facade down I was crushed.
So now I imagine what it would have been like if Tim had been there instead. Tim would have held me and reassured me. Tim would have helped me make the decisions I needed to make and would have sent me to bed when I started to stress myself out. I can picture him putting his arm around me. Making meals for the dozens of people that came by. Answering the phone. I picture him helping with Libby (who was 1 at the time) so that I could get some rest. I picture him being there for me and helping me carry the loss. If I know Tim, he probably would have even had a few puns or terrible bad dad jokes to try to add a little humor to a stressful, painful time. It helps to imagine that terrible time in a better light to imagine that time how it would have been if Tim had been there.
I could give more examples; between Shannon and Ryan there are plenty. I don't share this to highlight painful memories. I share to give a little trick that has helped me face some of the overwhelming painful memories that still raise their ugly head from time to time. Like I said, I'm not therapist. Feel free to see me for more unrecommended (is that even a word?) coping mechanisms any time.
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