Self worth is a funny beast. Just when you think you are pretty secure, you analyze your behavior and realize that “huh - maybe I’m feeling a little weaker than I thought.” There are two things that I have learned over the years that demonstrate to me when my self worth isn’t as strong as it should be:
My reactions to criticisms from others.
My criticisms of others.
A person who is secure in their own self worth does not need to make others feel like less of a person nor do they care what others think about them. I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough or feel good about myself to “not care” what others think. Unfortunately it is one of my least favorite things about myself. I worry entirely too much about people liking me. I don’t think today’s culture is helping things. Too many people worried about likes and followers on social media. Instead of worrying about others liking me, I need to look at my own life and remind myself why I should be proud of who I am becoming.
One criticism I had recently was someone making fun of me for being scared to try something new. She was right. I am scared of new things, quite frequently. I don’t think being scared or nervous is an entirely bad or wrong thing to do. I feel like there is a quote that says something along the lines of being brave isn’t the absence of fear, it is being afraid and doing it anyway.
To help myself not be pulled down by her lack of self esteem, I started thinking about what I have done that makes me the opposite of scared. When I did, it made her comment about how I’m scared to do something new almost funny.
At 24 I buried my mom. Planning a funeral and learning to move forward without a mom wasn’t easy. Especially since my husband at the time wasn’t and wouldn’t be there for me. I think his exact words were “I don’t have time to sit around moping with you.” That was incredibly brave.
I walked away from an alcoholic, abusive husband after 16 years. I left with almost nothing but two kids (that I had raised virtually by myself prior to that I might add) and some ratty furniture. I then spent that entire year getting them to horse shows, BY MYSELF, while working two jobs. I did the horse thing BY MYSELF, including figuring out how to get them clipped, cleaned and to and from the horse shows when we lost the farm. I had to start over financially with just my POS 10 year old minivan and a house I rented from my dad. And I did it. I was willing to lose it all for a better life. Anyone who has been through a divorce would never make fun of someone else who has done that for being scared. Lawyers, court, court again, mediation, more lawyers, restraining orders, you name it. That was incredibly brave.
I literally had to face the man who TERRIFIED me to the point of anxiety attacks many MANY times over the next several years. I had to face him in a courtroom and in person. I had to stand up to him for my sake, but most importantly, for my kids. I had to face the lies he spread about me around town and to our kids. I had to NOT REACT so that I couldn’t be labeled as the crazy one. I had to take the high road so many times I almost got a nose bleed. Not showing him weakness time after time was incredibly brave.
A few years later, I walked away from another emotionally abusive relationship with a sociopath. I had to confront him and tell him to leave. I had to sit and divide out our belongings, again, only the next day to have him accuse me of going through his things and threaten to “take it all”. I had to spend the next week listening to him berate me and tell me what a horrible person I was. I had to put up with him NOT leaving for days on end. I had to convince myself I deserved better when I was at the lowest point in my life. That was incredibly brave.
I had to face my family. I had to sit in front of my family, ask for forgiveness and hear every mistake and stupid thing I had done for the past several years. I had to be yelled at by my father and my brother. I was told I was ridiculous and had the little that I did accomplish, being willing to reach out for therapy and being brave enough to leave the narcissist, thrown back in my face. I sat there and took it and admitted I had been wrong. That was incredibly brave.
I’ve had to walk into strange locations and beg for jobs. I’ve had to ask for help. I’ve gone to strange places, tried new things, signed up for therapy, committed to being a better person and admitted my mistakes. I’ve reached out to people and apologized for my actions. I’ve had two cancer “scares”. I picked up and left my hometown and my family to start a new life with Tim. I’ve had to start over, start again, start without, more times than I can even count. I am incredibly strong and brave. If for no other reason than I am not ashamed to admit when something does scare me; to admit to being scared and moving forward anyway. That’s bravery. Not making fun of someone for their fears.
I guess the point of this blog, besides being a healing tool for me, is that taking a second and asking ourselves why we feel the need to criticize others or why what someone else has said about us hurts so much, can be eye opening. I know I’m feeling stronger. Strong enough to not be angry at the person talking behind my back. Strong enough to feel sorry for them and to pray for them to find the self worth they are missing. Strong enough to move forward with my day knowing that I don’t have anyone to impress. Strong enough to write this blog and share with others.
That’s incredibly brave.
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