I've been struggling lately. My logical brain knows it is mostly because I'm exhausted. Physically mostly, but worries way a person down mentally as well. With mares being overdue there isn't much time for sleep. Sophie and I have been spending every night working on graduation cards, scholarships, applications and the dreaded FAFSA form. If you have never filled out FAFSA, you don't know what I'm talking about - but let me just tell you. It's for the birds. My second job has been wonderful about only scheduling me for one shift a weekend but those extra 5-7 hours a week still add to the list of things to do. Chores take longer with having to clean stalls and everywhere, everywhere there is mud.
Most days I start the day with yoga and then chores. That means my alarm clock goes off around 4:15. No biggie. That's doable. Work goes until around 3:45/4:00 and then I head home to do chores and ride. When we got Kisses I was instantly in love and knew I couldn't do a quick train and resale project like I had originally intended. She's just such a sweetie that I wanted to get a chance to show her. So I signed Kisses up for walk/trot and Elsie will be stepping up to the lope classes, one handed, this year. That means, ride two before chores. No biggie. Then work on supper for the family and those many tasks that every parent has at the end of the day (most of those centering around Sophie and graduation lately). Again... no biggie. I'm not doing anything that thousands of other moms aren't doing as well.
But the truth is that I'm feeling my age. By the time I get home at 4:30 I'm tired. The prospect of riding two is sometimes overwhelming. But I do talk myself into it most days. With Sophie done with basketball I'm lucky to get help with chores. Some days supper is "fend for yourself" and others it is pancakes for supper! Again. With my surgery, Kisses is WAY behind where I wish she was or where Elsie was at last year at this time. I'm feeling like I will be laughed out of the show ring with my little pony. Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of her but she doesn't even have 60 days yet. She's doing the very best she can with the knowledge that she has. Elsie is also doing awesome considering the hit or miss time I've put into getting her back into shape and transitioning her to a bridle. I just can't seem to put a string of days together for either of them and am always cutting things short and having to make choices on what I have time to practice. None of that is too much though. It truly isn't. It just is what it is. But I know it all contributes to the green eyed monster that has reared its ugly head.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those who can have their horses in full time training. I'm jealous of those who can write the check to have someone else ride when it's below 20 degrees, above 80, or raining or snowing. I'm jealous of those who don't have to figure out how to get that hock deeper, that front leg flatter, that head up out of the dirt. I'm jealous of those who aren't cleaning stalls or carrying buckets of water in the wind and snow. I'm jealous of those who aren't throwing hay into feeders and ending up with more in their bra than in the net. I'm jealous of those with heated barn and slicked out horses. I'm jealous of those with a heated wash rack and clean ponies. I'm jealous of those who can sit after work and watch a TV show (without working on grading papers or filling out scholarships while they do so). I'm jealous of those who can see an outfit and buy it custom made, or purchase a new custom made saddle and matching bridles. I don't like that I am jealous, but I'm honest about my failings.
I feel like I get this way every spring and every year we manage to pull things together. We mix and match our headstalls or hit the next tack swap, ride in our training saddles and put together show outfits from used sellers. We put together some good rides, some bad rides and some mediocre ones too (which I feel like is true for most people?) We show up with our nasty, gritty, hairy ponies and a couple of baths later - they blossom into show ponies. I know I need to change me and my attitude because I'm not winning the lottery (mostly because I don't play the lottery), winning an inheritance or finding out I'm long lost royalty any time soon. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start counting my blessings.
I GET to do my own chores and see my ponies every single day. I GET to see their moods change and learn how to read them with the changing of the weather or their pasture mates. I GET to know what frustrates them and what makes them happy. I GET to know the funny things they do and where their confidence is at. I GET to be there to watch each step of the learning process and take joy in knowing that I did that. I GET to wait and see the transformation of a hot bath after MONTHS of mud and dirt. I GET to know I did it all in my $500 saddle or hand me down headstall. I GET to mix and match my plain button down shirts or I GET to learn a new skill as I bling up my own vests.
I know that "attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference". Changing a mindset takes time and work. So I'm going to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to be who and where I am. Out loud if I have to. I'm also going to keep listening to my friends and family; the ones who support me on this journey and who never let me forget that through it all, the hard work makes the ribbons worthwhile.
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