Anyone who reads my blog knows that there was a period in my life where I was fighting really REALLY hard against depression. The bitter fought, nastiness of divorce was followed by a relationship with a narcissist who did everything in his power to bring me down and isolate me. He did a great job and I let him. It was a low, low time in my life and I have said more than once that I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my girls. Not because they knew or physically saved me, but because I knew that without me they would not have the loving support that they needed to grow up into the amazing women they were destined to be. I needed them more than they needed me at that moment in my life and many more times since.
Then I met my therapist, Frank and he diagnosed me with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Hey - who does that anxiety diagnosis surprise? Not me! I was surprised, however, by the depression diagnosis. I mean, I was sad, a lot, but depressed? Not me. I was still functioning. I was still going to work. I was doing all the mom things. I wasn't laying in bed, unable to be a part of society. But I was depressed and I had to admit it.
Through therapy and reading a lot about depression, anxiety and the science of happiness, I learned how to pick myself up. Literally and figuratively. I learned how to glue the broken pieces of myself back together, how to glue together my broken support network and how to be strong enough to set myself free of the things that were breaking me. I was and am doing so much better but...
...sometimes depression still wins. I don't think you're ever "cured" of depression. There are still times when I cry in the middle of the night, cry my way to work or my way home, cry in solitude, cry in someone's arms, cry for almost no reason. There are times when I get so emotionally exhausted from putting one foot in front of the other that I don't want to get out of bed. Can't put a smile on my face. Can't face friends. Can't be social. Sometimes depression wins.
I'm ever thankful that I have the skills to work my way through those moments, heck even recognize those moments. I'm thankful that I've learned to ask for help. I'm thankful for my support network that doesn't let me stay in bed or stay in the valley of depression. I'm thankful for friends that remind me to "get up girl!"
Today the depression is winning but now I know that tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the things that are dragging me under will feel less heavy. Now I know that I can survive today and now I know that if I share today with those around me - they will help me carry the stones that used to pull me under. Today depression wins, tomorrow.... tomorrow I will.
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